Ronald McDonald Dead
Yes sad, but true, the burger icon, Ronald McDonald, whom more people know world-wide then Santa Claus, was found dead in his backyard, apparently by suicide, but the autopsy was not final, and police and family are keeping this out of the media spotlight.
Allow Thinksquad to shed a little light on the history of this true America icon, Ronald Thaddeus McDonald, was born in 1964, to parent’s Richard and Maurice McDonald.
Both his parent’s were cooks, and together they created a burger stop with speedy service as there main selling point. Ronald was a wild and rebellious teen, having been arrested 13 times by the time he was 16.His parents saw his behavior as out of control, and even sent him to therapy through most of his adolescent life.
Ronald was born an albino ginger, and was made fun of, in class a lot, one of his biggest enemies during high school was Bob Harlan, who was a rather “Big Boy.” Ronald brought a gun to school and scared Bob with it. Ronald was expelled, and his chances to go to Harvard or Yale were over.
This was a wake-up call for the youthful Ronald, and he hunkered down and made better of himself. Ronald took his education and therapy seriously.
Ronald got accepted to Hawaii Pacific University in the fall of 1982, and was smitten by a young, and engaged Sarah Palin.
Ronald, in his journals, said that they had a strong connection, which all ended when Todd Palin, found out about it during spring break, in which Sarah Palin, transferred to North Idaho College in the spring and fall of 1983. Ronald was heart broken, but eventually got a Master’s in Business. When Ronald returned home, he took charge of his parent’s business, becoming the CEO of McDonald’s Inc. Ronald brought in a new staff to bring this medium franchise to global levels.
Times were great, but McDonalds, took a lot of heat in 1986 when the Hamburgler, was drunk and went on the Tonight Show talking about how he hated Mexicans, and how Reagan was to blame, because he signed the Immigration Reform and Control Act which granted amnesty to approximately 3 million illegal immigrants who entered the United States prior to January 1, 1982.
Hamburgler, step down the next day, amongst angry protest from the Spanish community. It would not be the last from Hamburgler either, in a stroke of irony, Hamburgler, created Taco Bell, as a way of creating shitty Spanish cuisine that causes diarrhea, in order to remind Americans what he hated the most, Mexicans.
Ronald distanced himself from the controversy, and his company made it out of that incident without much of a hit to their profits. In 1990, 46% of the McDonald’s shares where bought by the upstart Colonel Harland Sanders, Ronald and Sanders didn’t see eye to eye, and huge fights were the “norm” on board meetings.
Ronald, “convinced” Sanders to sell him his shares, and the McDonald’s Empire, was intact once again. Arch-rival, Burger Montgomery King, who’s family fortune came from the Sofa King empire, hired 90% of the core group that helped McDonald create his global empire, and that is why they too are no longer in the commercials with Ronald anymore. Ronald, saw this as just business and held no animosity towards King, and the two became friends.
In 2006, Ronald, was in Alaska, with new chum Burger King, and they ran into Sarah Palin, who was running for Governor of Alaska. This brought all those emotions back, for Ronald only loved the one woman, he knew he could never have, and compared every single woman he ever met, with the only woman he ever loved. Ronald and Sarah talked and he help fund her campaign. Sarah told Ronald, that when she was with him back in 1982, that she had a child with him, but she gave it up for adoption. Ronald, distraught over the news, left Sarah in Alaska. He asked his new friend, King to help him find his son.
This was an especially tough time for Ronald, his violent tendency from his youth were resurfacing.
Then a picture of his son surfaced, and they had something to go off of.
In 2007, at the age of 25, Jack was found on the streets by Burger King.
Jack McDonald, now had a father, and with the help of his father, and Burger King, Jack started his own business.
Ronald kept the news of Sarah and Ronald’s love child out of the media’s eye.
In 2008, Sarah Palin was picked to become the Vice-Presidential candidate of the Republican Party. Ronald never stopped loving Sarah, but she had kids and was in a loving relationship. During the campaign trail, she stopped by Ronald’s House, but he was working, so she left a note on his door.
“Who makes the clowns laugh? -With Love, Sarah”
They both emailed each other, till Sarah’s emails were hacked, and when McCain and Palin lost in 2008, he was there to cheer her up.
In early 2009, the democrats in the Alaskan Congress, found out about Palin’s and McDonald’s love child, and her affair, but instead of exposing her, and her family to this trauma and media blitz, she resigned.
Last week, Ronald and Sarah met in secret, while Todd was hunting with the boys. They remained close friends since college. Ronald truly loved Sarah and was hesitant, to find the words, but utters this, “I can’t take it anymore Sarah. I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. And it’s not because you’re unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly.
You’re the epitome of every attribute and quality I’ve ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you’d ever consider. But I can’t do this any longer. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels.
I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably taint our friendship, but I had to say it, because I’ve never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldn’t allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I’ll accept that, But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not suppress that – at least for ten minutes – and try to dwell in it before you dismiss it.
There isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who’s ever made me the person I am when I’m with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau.
Because it’s there between you and me.
You can’t deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I’m forever changed because of you and what you’ve meant to me.
Sarah told Ronald, that she could not love him and would stay true to Todd. Yesterday, a heartbroken Ronald McDonald was found hung in his backyard. His diary lying on the ground, telling the world about his love. It’s a sad day, America.